Is lack of confidence holding you back?

Most people, if not all, will experience self-doubt and a lack of confidence at some point in their lives. This is perfectly normal. A chronic, debilitating lack of confidence that shackles you, is not.

Confidence is believing in your abilities and your self-worth, it is a product of our self-worth and self-esteem, which you can read more about here.

Building up your confidence again will take a lot more than a 5-minute blog post but here’s hoping this will be a start and point you in the right direction. It is time to claim back that life God wants for you.

Know who you are

The first step in the process of building confidence begins with knowing who you are. This seems obvious but without a clear understanding of your unique character, strengths, and weaknesses, confidence is likely to dissolve at the first sign of resistance. Failure is often a result of us trying to be somebody we aren’t.

When your confidence comes from within, it is more likely to be solid and secure and independent of other people’s opinions. This is what you should strive for.

On a scale of one to ten, where is your confidence level right now? 1=No confidence. 10=Completely confident. The answer may fluctuate from time to time, depending on your current situation or recent circumstances. Wherever you are on your journey, know that it is possible to make some changes to restore your confidence.

I always request new coachees do a personality test and perhaps you would like to do one too. Two I generally recommend are either the 16 Personalities test or the Myers Brigg Personality Test. While it may not always be 100% perfect, it gives a fairly comprehensive guide on where your strengths and weaknesses lie.

Strengths and weaknesses

Identifying areas of weakness is meant to raise awareness, not criticize. We all have them. What are some of your weaknesses? Are they genuine weaknesses or exaggerated self-criticism? What can you do to manage/improve these areas?

Be as honest as possible and write your answers in a journal.

Identifying our strengths can be equally difficult. We can get caught in a spiral of negativity and find it hard to believe we have strengths. You do have them, even if they lie buried.

Establish how these strengths may compensate for some of your weaker areas. Focus on your strengths and how you can replace any negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Once again, keep a record of all your thoughts and ideas in a journal.

And do be patient as this is not something that happens overnight. Lack of confidence is a habit that needs to be broken.

Introvert vs Lack of confidence

Being an introvert and lacking confidence are not the same, although one often leads to the other. We live in a world where extroverts seem to stand out and be heard and introverts less so. Nevertheless, you can still fit in quite comfortably if you are self-assured and confident of who you are.

Introverts prefer solitude to socializing. They are happy to spend time with a book, walk in nature, do crafts, and that is perfectly fine. The key is that you are content in how you live your life and don’t believe you are inferior because of it.

Qualities of a confident woman

Questions the norm in a positive way, without making excuses and is not afraid to suggest different solutions.
Treats others with kindness and consideration.
Has a clear vision, goals and an action plan to achieve them, not just an idol talker.
Her yes is definite and is not driven by guilt or a need to please.
She manages her expectations and is realistic about what she takes on, boundaries are well defined. Her no is final and she feels no guilt.
Aware of her strengths and weaknesses.
Not afraid to make mistakes because it doesn’t identify who she is. She learns and moves on.
Creates her own success without pulling others down.
Always focusses on the positive, not the negative and her speech reflects this
She is aware that her confidence comes from within but dresses to reflect that confidence outwardly.
Takes care of physical appearance as an extension of her confidence, not to appear confident. She is not afraid to step out of her comfort zone and experiment with hair and style.
Self-confidence means she is secure with who she is and doesn’t compare herself to others.

What causes a lack of confidence?

Another part of knowing ourselves includes knowing why we lack confidence in the first place. If we know the cause, we can work towards overcoming it, right?

Childhood (Heredity)

Perhaps it goes as far back as your childhood and you are not even sure why. It doesn’t necessarily have to be linked to any specific event or circumstance. We learn to value ourselves through our accomplishments and perceived failures lead to poor self-esteem and a subsequent lack of confidence.

We are who we are but if we were not accepted for our weaknesses or valued for our strengths in the environment where we grew up, as adults we may doubt our self-worth.

The more children avoid the things that intimidate them, the more their confidence suffers. Eventually, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You own the label and everything you want to do, you avoid because deep down you believe that you can’t, even into adulthood.

People

People are most often the biggest cause of us losing confidence. Even one person, especially if it is somebody we love or respect, can have a long term effect on us. Having your self-worth threatened by another individual, especially someone you trusted, can be debilitating.

In fact, as adults, it is probably relationships that stand to have the most detrimental effect on us.

By the same token, it is no use blaming others for our lack of confidence, it only keeps us locked in a prison of self-pity. We can’t change others or control what happens to us but we do have a choice in how we respond to people.

Circumstantial

A devastating life event like a divorce or a failed business can take a huge toll on your self-confidence. The effects not only prevent you from trying again but also attack the very core of who you believe you are.

There are times when parenting can make you feel like a complete failure, especially as a single parent trying to compete with all the other parents who seem to have it all together.

How to overcome a lack of confidence

Confidence is a game-changer and something we can develop by overcoming our insecurities. While we are often able to address and overcome much of our lack of self-confidence on our own, sometimes it can have more deep-rooted causes. If this is you, you may want to consider seeing a counselor or psychologist who can work with you to overcome whatever it is that is blocking you.

Recognize the signs

can’t take criticism
broken relationships
social anxiety
people-pleasing
depression
resentment
perfectionism
self-loathing
lowered brain capacity

Rationalize your lack of confidence

So what if I am not perfect or slip up from time to time?

What are you telling yourself about the situation and about life?
Be aware of the cause: shame, pain,
Isolate it to that incident when you failed and consider what you can learn from it. Are there strengths you can use that will help you overcome? What weaknesses should you be aware of?
Let go of perfectionism and self-judgment.
What have they got to lose?
What will they gain?
How can I prepare?
What is within my control?
Are there resources I need so as not to fail?
What do I fear?

Journal all your answers and if necessary, chat with a friend, coach or counselor in order to get a proper perspective.

Have an action plan

A lack of confidence not only holds us back, it leads to wrong behavior to compensate, doing what we think will earn us recognition. We need to take action.

What would you do/do more of/do better if you had more confidence? Simply setting goals or repeating affirmations won’t help, although this is part of it. Change has to come from within, from a changed mindset.
Begin to dream of what you would like to do/be. When you nurture hope it will alleviate self-doubt, anxiety, fear, and stress. It does this because it reduces the uncertainty that you would typically feel while experiencing these emotions. As a result, you have a higher level of self-confidence and self-belief that things will possibly work out in your favor.
Set your goals according to your needs and desires.
Stop comparing yourself to others who have different priorities.
Surround yourself with people who make you feel good. Associate with people who will allow you out of your shell and set boundaries with those who don’t.

Lack of confidence in the workplace

We can be selective in friendships but we have no choice when it comes to the work environment. What starts out at home/school can overflow into the workplace. You may be very good at your job, but if your belief system says otherwise, you will have a hard time stepping out of your shell.

People with low self-esteem are more likely to throw themselves into work in order to be successful, thinking that will give them recognition, influence, and confidence. These people are prone to stress and burnout.

Confidence in God at the core

When you are seeking solid ground in which to place your confidence, there is no better place than God and His word. Confidence comes from God’s strength, not our own. The Enemy targets our confidence because that is a sure way of hindering us from reaching our potential.

Fear and doubt disconnect us from God’s truth. Quiet confidence is the result of our beliefs coming into perfect alignment with who He says you are. It is this true confidence that enables you to overcome, reach new heights and achieve things you never thought possible.

“This is what the LORD says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD…. But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit’” (Jeremiah 17:5, 7-8).

Jeremiah 1:6-8. When God calls Jeremiah he makes the excuse that he is too young and can’t speak well. God tells him he will give them the word. If we are following the will of God we have nothing to fear, for He is with us. God believes in you. It is time to trust in your own ability.

God -> Courage -> Action -> Confidence

Courage precedes confidence

It can take a while to break down old beliefs and reestablish new ones. Don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t happen right away. Keep revisiting the questions in the text above. Each time you feel your confidence falter, sit down and work through it. Start by praying to God for His strength and have confidence in the fact that He will never fail you.

A lack of confidence can become a habitual excuse. You don’t build confidence and then do the things that scare you. You do the things that scare you which is what builds your confidence. I always had it the wrong way round.

Failure is a fact of life, but we develop all sorts of excuses to avoid it, yet we can learn from our failures using the right mindset. Don’t allow the fear of failure to keep you stuck. This is how we figure out what doesn’t work

We need to rewire our brains to approach life differently.

Activities

Complete the personality profile by following the link in the text. Ask God to give you wisdom as you read the results and to help you see your greatest strengths and hidden talents.

Prayer Corner

If you need prayer, somebody to chat to or advice, you are welcome to:

Email me directly kerrys@thewateringwell.com
Send me a private message on Facebook
Post your request in the comments section below

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Is lack of confidence holding you back?