Overcome Loneliness with these 8 steps

You may be surprised to know that loneliness is not limited to the elderly widow with only 6 cats for company. We can be lonely in a crowd or in a marriage, and it seems to be a growing problem among the younger generation too. Chances are, most of us will experience loneliness in varying degrees at some point in our lives.

It is cited by many sources, that the need to feel valued and appreciated (by people) is one of the greatest needs of the human race. It is, therefore, no wonder that extended feelings of loneliness and isolation, can have serious consequences.

Research suggests that loneliness is a growing worldwide phenomenon, but what can be done to overcome it? Obviously, a deep psychological analysis is a vast topic and beyond the scope of this post. For now, I hope only to draw your attention to what can contribute to loneliness, and suggest some ways that you may be able to overcome it.

The difference between solitude and loneliness

Solitude is a voluntary withdrawal from people for a duration and at a time of our choosing. It can be a constructive time for refreshing, rejuvenation, and pleasure. Depending on our respective needs, some people are better able to cope with solitude than others and are quite happy to be alone for long lengths of time, while others aren’t. In fact, introverts can be overstimulated by too much company.

Loneliness on the other hand is when we are forced to be alone. It is a painful and unpleasant experience and runs deeper than a mere absence of company. Loneliness manifests when the quality and quantity of interaction we get is less than our needs. Loneliness is a subjective experience based on our individual characters and how we think. Those that need to be in company more than others are more likely to feel lonely when they are alone.

For those who need a deeper connection, loneliness is more due to a lack of emotional connection or communication, which is why you can be in a crowd and still feel isolated. Modernization and the breakdown in communication due to technology may well contribute to this.

Just an observation and generalization: most of the men I know need to socialize, while a lot of women are happy to spend time alone. This has become more prevalent among my friends as I have grown older. My deduction is that more women are likely to feel lonely when surrounded by people who don’t meet their need to connect, whereas more men tend to feel lonely when they are alone.

Causes of loneliness

Isolation-self imposed or an unavoidable circumstance
The absence of meaningful people in our lives
Rejection, especially from those we care about
Spiritual dryness
Divorce or breakup
Death/loss of somebody significant
Geographical position, relocation, or living in a remote area
Ageing
Illness
Depression
Empty nest syndrome

Loneliness can be either a “State or Trait”. This means it can be a time-dependent state (temporary circumstances) state or a personal trait (more permanent state of mind)

Consequences of loneliness

If loneliness is a consequence of a temporary state, there is seldom a real risk. Soon the cause or state will be resolved as will the loneliness. The concern is when the loneliness is prolonged and there is a diminished hope of the situation changing. Or if it is a trait caused by deep-seated emotional hurt which may spiral into depression if we don’t address it.

Some consequences of loneliness can be:

Depression
Risk of suicide
Alcohol and drug abuse
Guilt
Spiritual dryness (may be both a cause and/or consequence)
Anger: because you blame somebody else for the position you find yourself in. You feel disconnected and misunderstood.
Become needy and dependant
Rebound relationships (which can make the problem worse)
Self-destructive behavior
Loss of hope

Benefits of being alone

As long as it is not for an extended time and you are not a person who thrives on companionship, time alone can be productive. Time alone may improve concentration. We may also experience our greatest growth when alone; Creatives and Artists are loners who produce their greatest work in solitude.

Even those who fill their tanks when in the company of others, sometimes enjoy having time alone, it all depends on how we use that time and how we respond.

8 Ways to overcome loneliness

Isolation can become a habit that easily slips into a rut without us realizing it. Be intentional in seeking solutions to your loneliness where possible. I understand it is not always possible, but here are some suggestions that may help.

Get to know yourself and what your needs are.

We are all unique and require different levels of activity and interaction. Think of the times when you feel lonely and when you don’t. Write about the circumstances and consider some thought of why that is. Do you feel fulfilled when around people? Or do you lack deep, intimate connection?

Establish the cause

What do you think is causing your feelings of loneliness? Is it due to a temporary situation (transient) or is it more of a long-term trait (personality)? Do you think you can do anything to change your situation in any way?

God is always available

No matter how isolated we are, God is always available for us to press into His presence. If you find yourself alone, take the opportunity to spend more time reading the Bible. My greatest spiritual growth happened when I was a single lady. Today I am grateful for those times because they filled my tank in preparation for when I had less time available.

Be intentional in seeking out friends

Grow new friendships or rekindle old ones. Call a friend and make the effort to stay connected to people. Don’t count on other people to know what you need, let people know you are feeling isolated. It is no weakness to admit that you are struggling. Ensure that you connect emotionally and don’t just organize activities in order to be around people. Being in a crowd and feeling disconnected can make the problem worse. Seek positive, like-minded people and avoid the ones who drain you.

Get involved in a worthy cause

There is no better way to fight loneliness than to focus on somebody else’s needs. Look for a worthy cause where you can help out.

Start a Gratitude Journal

Or even a normal journal. Writing helps us to express the thoughts and feelings we can’t with another person. Gratitude helps us to focus on the positives and prevents us from being pulled into a lake of focussing on the negatives.

Join a club or find a hobby

Being part of a sports, hobby group, or anything else, is a positive way of connecting with people and taking us out of isolation. Read this post on Leisure and Hobbies to find the benefits of finding a hobby or activity of interest.

Stay off social media

When we are lonely, we tend to spend more time on social media which is not helpful. We see happy people posting about their packed lives and this can contribute to loneliness. Filter what you see and read, and avoid what makes you feel worse.

How I overcame loneliness as a single mom

As a single mother for almost 20 years, I had no choice but to find ways to overcome loneliness. I had my two kids to keep me busy most of the time but I made sure I had lots to do so there was no time to dwell on the fact that I was alone. We spent a lot of time with family and friends and my many hobbies filled my nights.

I enjoyed time alone, probably because as a single mother, it was a rare treat! I can’t deny there were occasions when I missed companionship but I was blessed to have a family and friends who provided my support and affirmation.

Even so, there were times when I felt lonelier than others, especially when I was going through some of the tougher times.

It was during one of those times, that I read the scripture “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6) This verse so encouraged and comforted me. It was around that time that I joined a close-knit family-orientated church community who became my extended family and have remained so ever since.

My church community encouraged me to look forward, not back. I didn’t dwell on what I didn’t have or what I had lost. I focussed on the future and it kept my hope alive.

If you have pulled away from your church or don’t have one at all, I encourage you to reconnect, or pray and search for one that fits what you are looking for.

We are all different, as are our circumstances. What worked for me may not work for you. But I do recommend that you spend some time praying and asking God to help you identify where your wells are depleted. And then ask Him what you can do to fill them.

When God comforts us

Unfortunately, the one thing we tend to do when we are lonely, is to pull away from God, even blaming Him at times. The Bible doesn’t say too much about loneliness specifically, it deals more with the causes of and solutions to loneliness. It does, however, talk about the comfort that comes from God when we spend time with Him.

During the times when loneliness hit, it was God who comforted me the most. Nothing compares to the feeling of God’s presence as it surrounds you. Lying in bed, I would call out to God, and immediately I would sense that warmth around me. The peace that came with it would soon lull me to sleep.

“Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20)

I know it is not an easy road but we can be more focused and intentional in overcoming loneliness by putting a few checks and balances in place. We can’t control everything in our lives, but sometimes a small effort can make a big difference.

Activity

If you are experiencing debilitating loneliness, the first thing to do is get moving. Go for a walk if possible, even if it is raining. New surroundings distract you, the fresh air will clear your head, and exercise is known to increase those feel-good endorphins. When you get back, work through the post again and see where it is that you can possibly make some changes. Oh…and phone that friend.

Prayer Corner

If you need prayer, somebody to chat to or advice, you are welcome to:

Email me directly kerrys@thewateringwell.com
Send me a private message on Facebook
Post your request in the comments section below

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Overcome Loneliness with these 8 steps

The difference between solitude and loneliness

Causes of loneliness

Consequences of loneliness

Benefits of being alone

8 Ways to overcome loneliness

How I overcame loneliness as a single mom

When God comforts us

Activity

Prayer Corner

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The difference between solitude and loneliness

Causes of loneliness

Consequences of loneliness

Benefits of being alone

8 Ways to overcome loneliness

How I overcame loneliness as a single mom

When God comforts us

Activity

Prayer Corner

Subscribe below to be notified when a new blog post is published

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