Overcome Loneliness with these 8 steps

You may be surprised to know loneliness is not limited the elderly widow with only 6 cats for company. We can be lonely in a crowd or even in a marriage and it seems to be a growing problem among the younger generation too. Chances are, most of us will experience loneliness in varying degrees at some point in our lives.

It is cited by many sources, that the need to feel valued and appreciated is one of the greatest needs of the human race. It is no wonder then that extended feelings of loneliness can have serious consequences.

Research suggests it is a growing worldwide phenomenon which is all well and good, but what can we do to overcome loneliness? We won’t be able to get into a deep psychological analysis here as it is a vast topic and goes far beyond the scope of this post. I hope only to draw your attention to what may contribute to loneliness and some ways to overcome it.

The difference between being alone and being lonely

Loneliness is loosely defined as a lack of friends or family, a response to isolation. Although most definitions cite loneliness as a state of being alone, being alone is not the same as feeling lonely. Some people are better able to cope with being alone than others and are quite happy to be alone for long lengths of time, while others aren’t. In fact, introverts can be overstimulated by too much company.

We all have different needs which is why we respond to solitude differently. Loneliness manifests when the amount of interaction we get is less than what we need. It is a subjective experience based on our individual characters and how we think. Those that need to be in company more than others are more likely to feel lonely when they are alone.

For those of us who need a deeper connection, loneliness is more due to a lack of emotional connection or communication than merely an absence of people around you, which is why you can be in a crowd and still feel isolated. Modernization and the break down in communication due to technology may well contribute to this.

Just an observation and generalization: most of the men I know need to socialize, while a lot of women are happy to spend time alone. This has become more prevalent among my friends as I have grown older. My deduction is that more women are likely to feel lonely when surrounded by people who don’t meet there need to connect, whereas more men tend to feel lonely when they are alone. Or is that only me? : ) As I said, vast generalization.

Causes of loneliness

Isolation-self imposed or an unavoidable circumstance
The absence of meaningful people in our lives
Rejection especially from those we care about
Spiritual dryness
Divorce or breakup
Death/loss of somebody significant in your life
Geographical position, relocation or remote area
The aged population are particularly prone
Illness
Depression
Empty nest syndrome

Loneliness can be either a “State or Trait”. This means it can be a time-dependent state (temporary circumstances) or a personal trait (more permanent state of mind)

Consequences of loneliness

If loneliness is a consequence of a temporary state, there is seldom a real risk. The concern is when the loneliness is extended and there is a diminished hope of the situation changing. Or it is a trait caused by deep-seated emotional hurt. Spiral into a pity party if we allow our thoughts to go there.

Depression
Risk of suicide
Alcohol and drug abuse
Guilt
Spiritual dryness (may be both a cause and/or consequence)
Anger: because you blame somebody else for the position you find yourself in. You feel disconnected and misunderstood.
Become needy and dependant
Rebound relationships which can make the problem worse
Self-destructive behavior
Loss of hope

Being alone is not a bad thing

As long as it is not for an extended time and you are not a person who thrives on companionship, time alone can be productive. It all depends on how we use that time and what we believe.

Time alone is thought to improve concentration. We may experience our greatest growth when alone. Even those who fill their tanks when in the company of others, sometimes enjoy having time alone. Many creatives and artists are loners who produce their greatest work in solitude.

8 Ways to overcome loneliness

Don’t let it become a habit, we can get into a rut without even realizing it. Be intentional in seeking solutions to your loneliness where possible. I understand it is not always possible, but here are some suggestions that may help.

Get to know yourself and what your needs are.

As we have read, we are all unique and require different levels of activity and interaction. Think of the times when you don’t feel lonely. Why were you not lonely then? What do you need to do to fill the emptiness now?

Establish the cause

Is the loneliness due to a temporary situation (transient) or is it more of a long-term trait (chronic)?

God is always available

Learn to press into His presence and take the opportunity to spend more time reading the Bible. My greatest spiritual growth happened when I was on my own. I am grateful now for those times because it filled my tank for when my time was more scarce.

Be intentional in seeking out friends

Grow new friendships or rekindle old ones. Call a friend and make the effort to stay connected to people, don’t count on other people to know what you need. Let people know you are feeling isolated. It is no weakness to admit that you are struggling. Ensure that you connect emotionally and don’t just organize activities in order to be around people and keep busy. Being in a crowd, feeling disconnected can make the problem worse. Seek positive like-minded people and avoid the ones who drain you.

Get involved in a worthy cause

The best way to fight loneliness is to focus on somebody else. Reach out to help others.

Start a Gratitude Journal

This helps us to focus on the positives and not be pulled into a lake of self-pity

Join a club

Sports, hobby group or anything else that grabs your interest.

The internet can be either positive or negative. On the one hand, it gives us the opportunity to connect with others, especially those who are physically isolated. On the other hand, seeing happy people posting about their packed lives can contribute to loneliness. Filter what you read and see and avoid what makes you feel worse.

Read this post on Leisure and Hobbies to find the benefits of finding a hobby or activity of interest.

How I overcame loneliness as a single mom

As a single mom for almost 20 years, I had no choice but to find ways to overcome loneliness. My two children kept me busy most of the time and were a constant source of companionship and entertainment. Our lives were busy so there was no time to dwell on being alone.

But besides that, I enjoyed time alone, probably because it was a rare treat! I can’t deny there were occasions when I missed companionship when everyone else seemed to busy with their own lives. My family provided my support and affirmation as did my very close friends. I was seldom lonely, because I lived forward, not back.

When God comforts us

One thing we tend to do when we are lonely, is to pull away from God, even blaming Him at times. The Bible doesn’t say too much about loneliness specifically, it deals more with the causes of and solutions to loneliness. It does, however, talk about the comfort that comes from God, which we will look into further in a future blog post.

Even so, there were times when I felt it more than others, especially when I was going through some of the tougher times. It was during one of those times, that I read the scripture “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6) This verse so encouraged and comforted me. It was around this time that I joined a close-knit family orientated church community who became my extended family. They have remained so for the last 13 years and we are still going strong. If you have pulled away from your church or don’t have one at all, I encourage you to reconnect or search for one that fits what you are looking for.

The one thing that did comfort me when I was lonely, was feeling God’s presence. Lying in bed, I would pray for God’s comfort and almost sensed that warmth around me. The peace that comes with it would soon lull me to sleep. “Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20)

I know it is not an easy road but we can be more focused and intentional in overcoming loneliness by putting a few check and balances in place. We can’t control everything in our lives, but even a small effort can make a big difference.

Activity

If you are experiencing debilitating loneliness, the first thing to do is get moving. Go for a walk if possible, even if it is raining. New surroundings distract you, the fresh air will clear your head and exercise is known to increase those feel-good endorphins. When you get back, work through the post again and see where it is that you can possibly make some changes. Oh…and phone that friend.

Prayer Corner

If you need prayer, somebody to chat to or advice, you are welcome to:

Email me directly kerrys@thewateringwell.com
Send me a private message on Facebook
Post your request in the comments section below

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